Mythbuster Mihka! is a series of articles aimed at breaking down common myths and fallacies the pickup and dating.
If you haven’t read part 1 of this series, you can check it out here.
When we last left off we were talking about the myth that women seem to only be attracted to assholes. The complaint is that all the good women are taken by the assholes and the poor nice guy is left all alone.
I can already hear the Wahmbulance.
Hopefully after the last article you see the error in this victim-mentality and realize no woman is actually saying “Please send me a total prick to spend time with because I enjoy hurting myself!”
But what about those times when they certainly SEEM TO BE making that choice? Why is she choosing a guy that’s CLEARLY bad for her? This is usually a question asked about a woman you know a little better. Usually this is someone you’re in the friend zone with and wish they’d be with you instead. It seems so clear to you that you’re the better choice and she always makes the SAME complaints about the asshole! Why can’t she wake up and see the truth? Right??
Well let me ask you something… Why are you in the friend zone? Friend zone means you want something more from her but she just treats you like a friend, and you do nothing about it. WE DON’T DO FRIEND ZONE IN MAN-LAND!
A man who isn’t afraid to speak his mind has friends, friends with benefits, lovers, girlfriends, etc. but he DOES NOT have friend zone relationships! This is because a friend zone relationship is DISINGENUOUS! It is a LIE and lies get told due to fear. So if you’ve truly confronted your fears you shouldn’t be maintaining friend zone relationships.
But if not, and you haven’t told Becky that you want to root her brains out, then you are a liar and a shitty friend. Your “friendship” is really more about your selfish interest in her than it is mutually agreeable time together. She doesn’t have all the information so how can you call what you have with her legit?
Who DOES have a more legit relationship with Becky than you? That’s right, her asshole boyfriend! Why? BECAUSE SHE KNOWS HE’S AN ASSHOLE!
Here’s the biggest shocker to all you “nice guys” out there: Women date assholes because they are PREDICTABLE! Predictable means that, even if they can’t actually trust the guy, they can trust his behavior! Yes he might be rude, he might lie, he might cheat… but at least he’s consistent! At least she knows what she’s getting with him. She can read his book by the cover.
Compare that to all the many guy friends that said they just wanted friendship then later got all butt hurt that they never slept together – usually at the cost of the friendship. This hurts a woman a lot worse than getting dumped by a guy she already knew was an asshole.
After a few of those it’s clear why “nice guy” behavior isn’t as trustworthy as asshole behavior. If you can say someone is an asshole then he is what he is on the surface. But a “nice guy” could be – and is often – hiding a codependent personality that is going to balloon into a 6 month to 2 year relationship that will end up hurting the both of you a whole lot more than Fonzie was going to when he didn’t return her call after their 3 week fling.
Starting to get the picture?
You’ve actually got some work to do on yourself if you’re a “nice guy” and being one means a lot of unattractive behaviors. If you need a new identity to replace the “nice guy”, try being a “kind”, “good”, “pleasant”, “anything BUT nice” guy instead. The word you use is arbitrary but the distinction is that truly good people do nice things simply because it makes them happy. They aren’t doing it in the hopes of recognition or an unspoken agreement with the universe that your good behavior will be rewarded. It means being nice just because you want to, and NOT being nice when you don’t. Not just because Becky makes your pants tight.
I can already hear some of you going “that’s not right! I told Becky everything! I was direct and clear and honest and she’s STILL dating that asshole! In fact I think he might be downright abusive and she STILL stays with him! What gives?”
Ok, I feel your pain. We’ve all seen a girl or two in a bad place with a boyfriend, totally ignoring the other options in front of her. Well guys, I’m sorry to report that this girl isn’t for you for a whole bunch of OTHER reasons.
Most women don’t date asshole after asshole. They pick and choose their assholes for specific purposes, evenings, and events. Or they fall into a bad relationship accidentally then take extra precautions to avoid it next time. They DON’T purposefully invite chronic aggravation into their lives.
So when we see a woman in a situation like that there’s a good chance there are larger issues at play, and son they are larger than you! Clearly if there are signs of physical abuse that should be reported to the proper authorities. It should go without saying that you should do your best to prevent harm from coming to your friends. But if this is the issue, or any other deeper personal issue she may have that makes her uncommonly attracted to abuse, then it is outside your capability to help and it’s time to point her towards some helpful resources and walk away.
“Nice guy” mentality dudes are often needy, clingy, and codependent. I believe the saying “you attract what you are” so it’s no surprise when guys describe the girls they like as damsels in distress, stuck under the thumb of some big bad jerk who makes her feel shitty all the time. But if there’s an absence of physical violence and she still puts up with it, buddy guess what? She’s also needy and codependent! That’s why she stays with that guy!
Do you still want her now? Let me say that again: if your crush has an asshole boyfriend that isn’t threatening her into staying with him, then she’s simply not strong enough to leave him and if she were to suddenly be with you it wouldn’t all instantly turn into rainbows and sunshine like you imagine. No, now you’re dealing with a girl with clear issues that are outside your control, and since you probably have a superman complex to go along with being a nice guy, you probably think you can “fix” her (you can’t) and that means you just signed up for a few years of misery buddy! Enjoy!
That doesn’t mean that people can’t quickly realize when one boyfriend is better than another, but usually a little time has to pass before people can integrate experiences and grow from them. Never trust a relationship that is born out of the demise of the previous. When people “branch” from relationship to relationship (serial monogamists pay attention!) it’s often a sign of codependence. But you wanted to steal her away right? The fantasy is she drops that zero and gets with you, the hero! Except like most fantasies there is usually a cost associated with bringing them into reality.
MYTH: Women would rather be with an asshole than a good guy.
TRUTH: A “nice guy” is not the same as a good guy, and a good guy isn’t the same as a “good for her” guy. Stop thinking you deserve a specific woman. When a “nice guy” mentality is passed over in favor of an “asshole” it’s probably because the asshole counterintuitively (to you) makes her feel safer than the potential emotional A-bomb of a closeted codependent hiding behind his shield of “niceness”.
SOLUTION: Learn to fearlessly speak your mind. Cultivate a vibe of honesty and authenticity so that people trust you intuitively upon meeting you.
REQUIREMENTS: Telling the truth even when it’s scary or inconvenient.
Here at SashaPUA.com, we can teach you what you need to move past the “Nice Guy” vs “Asshole” dichotomy and start treating women like equals instead of enigmas.
Don’t believe me? Sign up for a boot camp and see for yourself. All our programs have a satisfaction guarantee ;)