Alright, so this little article i’m writing because my understanding of human relations has deepened over the course of the last couple of weeks. I’ve spend some time with a fellow called Jason who’s developed his own type of system of… unfenced relationships. I was going to say “polyamoury” but, that’s not quite the right word for what i’m about to describe here. Some of the PUA’s out there know Jason already. He’s been around a while. Not sure he even has a PU name… so I’ll just call him MLTR Jason! :P
For those of you that have been following my wee blog for a while, know that about 2 years ago I spend some time with a fellow called Johnny Soporno. He’s a great guy, and taught me a whole shitload about polyamoury/open relationships, etc. If you don’t know Johnny, google him and watch his vids. They are quality.
Anyways -though I have made some progress on my own in pursuit of multiple open relationships since my education with Mr. Soporno, I always had a couple of sticking points. I was still kind of jealous, and also I couldn’t get around the whole “what if you love a chick” type o deal. Johnny said his girls needed to have other lovers, which sort of assumed the man (I.E me) would have other lovers. Finally, after my conversations with Jason my fundamental gap of understanding has been filled. Also, I realize that my final sticking point at this period of my development is, I still see women as property – just like everyone else does in the “normal” system.
So, instead of explaining what was missing, let me explain the system which Jason has explained to me. After you, my dear reader, have a firm grasp on the concepts he has imparted on me, you will quickly understand what I have now (seemingly) made peace with. Here goes:
Essentially, all relationships are either fenced or unfenced. Fenced means there’s a fence. I.E – You cannot see/date/sleep with other people. Period. Unfenced means, you can see/date/sleep with other people. So, you can be dating an unlimited number of people who are all in an unfenced relationshop with you – some of whom could (in theory) but in fenced relationships with others. But, then, they’d be cheating. Jason’s view in this situation is that this would be they’re problem and has nothing to do with him – he only does unfenced relationships, and is therfore is not keeping any women away from anybody. If a woman enters a fenced relationship, that is her choice – not his.
So – my big problem was this: What if I really love a girl. I don’t want her having sex with other guys! Shit, I don’t even want to have other women when i’m crazy about a girl. When I was with the Greek, I really had no desire to sleep with other girls. I was completely satisfied in that area. So my confusion was kind of multi fascetted. See, johnny said one of his rules was that all of his girlfriends had to be seeing at least one other lover. Well, what if they didn’t want another lover? Surely by insisting they have another that would be implying that I, myself, would also have to other lovers. But – what if (for a given period) I really didn’t want one. And if the girl didn’t? Should I force her to go out there and find other male companionship?
See, I felt myself falling into a kind of boyfriend/girlfirend zone with the greek, which was confusing me because I was trying to have a type of open/polyamours thing happening. But, that’s not what I was feeling. I was feeling – love. I love the Greek. I loved her then, and I still love her now. I found it difficult to love her, yet be a “pua” and be “polyamourous” and see other girls. It’s like I was forcing myself to see other girls just because I “should.” What the fuck is that? I “should” do whatever it is that makes me happy. That’s the only thing any of us should do. And what made me happy? Being with the Greek. She made me happy.
So- here’s what i’m leading up to: Jason explained to me that – just because you’re in an unfenced relationship doesn’t mean you have to exercise the option of sleeping with other women. That’s all it is – an option. You can be in an unfenced relationship with a woman, and be sleeeping only with her if that’s what you want to do. It’s just, you’re doing so without a fence. The option is there if you want to exercise it.
When he told me that part, I was like “Ahhhhh……”
It’s like I was…. my eyes just opened. It made sense. What the fuck was I thinking??? it seems really obvious now…but that never actually occurred to me. To me, polyamoury meant, necessarily dating multiple women at the dame time, (ha, that was a genuine spelling mistake, but i’m keeping it in there!) at all times. Well, with sex 3.0 – you don’t have to!
Alright, so … i’m going to try and share the core principles of sex 3.0 as best as I can remember them from my conversations with Jason.
So, the critical thing with “fenced” or “unfenced” is that you have to pick one or the other in the beginning of every relationship. Once you’ve picked, you can’t mix and match. At all. Ever. That is the key. Now, Jason isn’t saying that “unfenced” is necessarily better than fenced, or that there’s anything wrong with fenced. He’s happy to let people have fenced relationships. The point he’s making is that mixing the two is going to lead to the destruction of your relationship.
Next point: (and this is something that he explains to women, very clearly) is that all fenced relationships essentially follow the same 5 step pattern. It goes loosely like this:
Boy meets Girlfriend
Girl and boy realize they have a cool connection
boy and girl spend lots of time together and become infatuated with each other (this is called the “honeymoon period”
jealousy or possessiveness rears it’s ugly head
boy and girl break up, and never talk to each other again. Cool connection is lost :(
So, if you think about, pretty much the vast majority of standard “couples” (I.e – fenced relationships) this is exactly the pattern they follow. Whether it be, girl is jealous of guy doing whatever/talking to other girls – or the guy “cheats” (yes, you may take notice my implied allignment by my clever use of quotation marks) … or the girl flirts/talks to other guys, guy becomes jealous/controlling/possesive (sometimes resulting in violence – or worse) and the girl runs away from the guy.
As far as I can tell (and please, dear readers, correct me (and Jason) if we’re wrong – but this is the pattern that seems to flow for virtually all fenced relationships. Obviously, there are exceptions. There are some couples who’ve been together for like 50 years. But, those are the exception, not the rule. As Jason explained to me – it’s maddness to use those rare examples as a yardstick by which to measure our own “success.” Much of this type of measuring falls into the concept of “relationship duress” which Is another fascinating sex 3.0 concept I may or may not get into later.
So – recognizing that all relationships do, in fact, follow this 5 step sequence – we can assume that once enlightened by our new understanding of this fatal (yet commonly practised) protocol, the objects of our desire (that’s right – the HB’s!) would want to avoid this destructive pattern at all costs. So, you can see the importance of showing clearly to our beloved prospects the dangers of this 5 step descent into hell. (ok, I Jason didn’t refer to it as that. That’s my own creative use of language).
Alright I don’t want to give away his whole system before he writes his book. So just a couple of concepts:
“relationship duress” – these are the pressure people put on you that stem from “the system”
So, say you’re around 30 (which I am) … people say to you “hey, it’s it about time you settled down and has some kids?”
Why would people even say that? That’s a retarded thing to say to anybody. They’re saying it because part of the societal programming (at least, in the west” says by the time you’re 30, you are supposed to get married and have kids. That’s normal. In fact, i’ve met 16 year old girls who have told me that’s their plan. Get married when they are 30. What the fuck does a 16 year old kid know about what he/she is going to want to do when they are TWICE their current age? It makes no sense. It makes even less sense for there to be any such kind of rules to dictate to us how we should live our lives. All people are individuals. We’re all different an want and need different things. So it’s really quite absured someone you’ve never met/don’t really know would tell you it’s about “time” you “settled down” …. WTF ???
Another example would be, after you get married: people saying to you “you should’t do XYW – you’re a married man!”
Example for women – say a woman doesn’t have a boyfriend, her friends telling her “hey, you shouldn’t sleep around. You don’t want people to think you’re easy! You should get yourself a boyfriend” etc etc.
Basically anytime anyone tells you you “should” do anything (that doesn’t really know you) it’s coming from the brainwashing they got from “society” and it’s therefore relationship duress.
Jason also has some awesome shit about sex 1.0, 2.0 (“normal relationships”) and Sex 3.0 (unfenced relationships) …. and about how unfenced relationships are actually in line with nature, while fenced relationships are alligned with “normal” … but i’m not typing any more!
If enough of you guys are excited about this, I’ll stop being lazy and upload the audio of my convo with Jason…. Depends on how many comments there are ;)
I’m pretty sure this is the best thing since sliced chicken…but as Chinese wiseman say – We’ll see!
Oh yeah – you can find Jason’s fan page on facebook here ! … The more of you become fans, the sooner he’ll be motivated to write the book. I’m really looking forward to it myself!!