First off, there’s a distinction I make that is often more instructive than the ‘inner game’ / ‘outer game’ distinction:
Fundamentally, there are 2 aspects to look at when trying to improve your game:
1. Everything you do before, between, and after an approach
2. What you do during an approach itself.
For most guys, (1) is actually 90% of the ‘journey.’ This is everything from going to the gym, eating right, dressing well, getting a fulfilling career, making friends, travelling, reading, playing team sports, cultivating a positive mindset, and so on. If the vast majority of this side of things is handled, chances are women are already entering your life and are probably already attracted to you – it’s just a matter of putting yourself out there a bit more and maybe learning some mechanics / ‘technique’ of how to approach more effectively.
(2) Is probably 10% or less of the equation. That is to say – if part (1) is not yet handled to a sufficient enough degree (e.g. you have no social life, no job, are severely depressed, or significantly overweight) then you can master the mechanics of the perfect approach precisely, and still not achieve the success you would hope for. Conversely, it also means there are guys out there who have all of (1) handled, but still can’t get laid – and it’s usually spending some time working on (2) that’s gonna catapult them, usually quite quickly, into the next level (this is what I believe happened to me after taking my bootcamp).
There are two stereotypes that are bandied about a lot – and the above categorisation neatly explains how they come about.
A. The “natural”
B. The “PUA”
A. The natural is hailed as the archetype of the alpha male – smooth, effortless and charmingly seductive with women, he’s what every wannabe PUA aspires to be. And what really gets the PUA’s goat – is that the guy never even had to read a single ebook, post on a single thread or attend a single bootcamp!
And of course this is the case. The “natural” is simply a guy who has so much of (1) handled, that he doesn’t need to ever work on (2). He’s already there. He gets enough results that he doesn’t need to put any effort in to learning seduction. Seduction is just something that happens every night or other when he’s around a certain chick, some of the time. Kind of like making a new friend. How exactly could you study how to make friends? To him, the idea of learning a science of meeting women is just as absurd. It’s just something that happens naturally when there’s a ‘spark’ or ‘chemistry’ between two people, that’s all!
And this is why so many ‘naturals’ that I’ve known bang a hell of a lot of chicks, sure, but their results are very inconsistent. All the naturals I’ve known sleep with a hell of a lot of pretty average to below average chicks, in amongst a handful of stunners.
B. The PUA is the exact opposite. Having never had success with women, he finds out that a secret underground cabal of other nerds and losers have discovered magical scientifically-based theories that mean that they, regardless of their looks, wealth or unbelievable lack of basic social skills or hygiene, can seduce strippers and models by simply following a few steps. Which they then repeat robotically, night after night, day after day, until a top 10% learn through experience what really works, and the bottom 90% fail miserably for years and end up giving up / posting on PUAhate.
And of course this is the case – for the most part, even if a guy learns all the PUA theory and does it perfectly, he’s only gotten 10% of the way there! This is why most guys who get into this never achieve the results they want – because they keep myopically believing that one new piece of theory will finally unlock their inner mPUA, when actually they need to work on being an attractive, positive person with an attractive life who people naturally want to be around.
Two identical men are walking down the street. Both are equal in looks, height, wealth, status, sociability and, importantly, both weigh in at 270 lbs with a body fat of 45%.
Work colleague “Hey mate, looking slim today – have u lost a few kilos?”
Man 1, “Oh fuck off Chris you cunt.”
Work colleague “Hey mate, looking slim today – have u lost a few kilos?”
Man 2, “Oh cheers Chris, yeah I think so – got myself down the gym earlier and all!”
Why such a different reaction from two supposedly identical people? Well, apart from the endorphins rushing through Man 2’s body, he went to the gym every this week whereas Man 1 didn’t. Despite the fact that they technically weigh exactly the same and look it, Man 2 feels ENTITLED to the compliment being given to him, and thus reacts positively. Man 1 has done nothing to improve his health, and so not only doesn’t feel entitled to the compliment, but reacts negatively on the assumption that it’s a joke at his expense, and then because he feels regret and anger at himself for not trying to better his weight problem.
I would argue that this sense of entitlement, worthiness or deservedness, is the universally attractive trait that underlies a lot of the concepts that lead to people doing better at seduction, making friends, succeeding in business, and living happily in general.
The natural has a healthy sense of entitlement about many things. After all, after every small success, achievement and goal accomplished, we genuinely feel we deserve whatever rewards come our way. And so our general sense of entitlement increases. What I’ve noticed about successful people in general, is that regardless of the field in which they are successful, they are usually also successful in making friends easily, persuading people, and getting stuff for free. I believe this is mainly down to the fact that they form the belief that they are entitled to things as a general rule, and so people respond accordingly, “ah, this person is obviously famous, influential or important, just look at how they act – I should probably let them in for free / give them a table / cut them a deal” etc.
The sense of entitlement naturally leads to many attractive traits simply as a by-product:
If I feel entitled to ownership of an object, I will simply walk over and pick it up, without hesitating, asking anyone if it’s ok, or minding what others think of my actions. This is the number one easiest and most effective ways to get free entry into clubs and bars. Simply walk in like you are allowed to be there. More often than not, the staff will respond accordingly. If you hesitate, ask if it’s ok to go in, or look around to check how people are responding to your actions, chances are you’re getting sent to the back of the queue!
Similarly, if I feel entitled to beautiful women, then I will simply walk over to women I find attractive and introduce myself and say whatever’s on my mind. I will not hesitate, ask permission if it’s ok to talk to her, or worry how I’m being perceived by others. To do so, in fact, appears weak, insecure and lacking in confidence. To walk up and perform a “direct approach” or “rapid escalation” is labelled “bold” and “confident,” but in reality it need be nothing more than a by-product of a simple belief that I am worthy of attractive women and that I deserve their company.
Where naturals fall down, is that they usually need some sign from women that they girl is interested or attracted before they give themselves permission to move the interaction forward. This is why they often settle for average women. They don’t really believe they’re entitled to the 9s and 10s.
Conversely, the PUA learns the tricks and techniques, but even if he does get some success, often finds it hard to get into proper relationships. This is usually because, deep down, he still feels like his loser “pre-game” self, and thus unworthy of the more attractive women he’s now able to get. If he doesn’t get results, it’s because he’s not working on part (1), that 90% of building an attractive lifestyle, and thus he’s not increasing his sense of entitlement because he hasn’t accomplished or achieved anything that makes him feel worthy yet!
So what’s the strategy here then?
1. Make yourself as attractive a person with as attractive a lifestyle as you can
2. Whatever stage you are in the process, accept yourself and believe you are enough
3. Approach with the knowledge that you are entitled to have beautiful women in your life.
In three easy steps: Accomplishment -> Entitlement -> Empowerment!
– Ryan Black