I has sex with J-Lo!

Nov 29^th

Just had sex with J’lo. Well, not the actual J.lo. But she has similarities to J’lo. Except she’s Portuguese. Close enough.  This girl is hot!! It’s 4am and she’s sleeping in the bed next to me. (she’s put a shirt on, what the fuck!? How dare she!)

Now, for this to make sense, let me just say that Yesterday I moved in to my new home with an old friend. This friend is a dominatrix. She’s actually the girl I spitroasted a few months ago!

I met her on the tube a couple of weeks ago. I opened her with my standard underground opener “hey, are you like showing off with your book? Oooooh I’m so smart! Look at me!” she giggles… “so what are you reading…”  We spoke for a few minutes and she seemed very friendly and cool.  I made sure to find out where she was getting off so I knew how much time I had.  We just had a general chit chat. Nothing gamey – just normal stuff. Before she got off, I told her how to find me on facebook. Recently, I’m just doing this. As I’ve got a couple of cute girls I’m sleeping with in – I just cant be bothered like, calling them and shit. what the fuck is that? If they add me, they’re up for it. they’re pre screened, they went home and added me online. It’s on. If they don’t, they’re not interested and I’m not going to waste any time on them. It’s win/win. If they’re amazingly hot/or extraordinary in some other way I’ll still get their number. But generally I’ll just do this.

So, she adds me online.  First message was the one you get when you add someone – it was something like “hey… this is the penguin book girl… blah blah”

Here’s the rest of the transcript from FB, in case it helps anybody.

Sasha

Yes!! I knew you’d find me. A love like ours doesn’t come around often, you know? You look really cute in your pics!! hehe xx

J Lo

Ah, I know what you mean! As soon as your eyes met my Penguin book, I knew it was meant to be!!

Love your sexy yellow sunglasses!!

So what are you doing in London? Work or Leisure? Or maybe in your line of work, both are one and the same?…

xx

Sasha

Yeh. If we ever get married we’ll have to have lots of penguins at the ceremony. The guests will just think we’re weird… but we’ll know… we’ll know.

Ya, I’m a comedian so…. My work is my pleasure. Also I enjoy chatting up sexy birds on the underground. oh yea.

I think this club illustrates who I am quite well:
(link to me comedy persona being hilaaaaaaarous)

So listen. I have an idea.

You. Me. a cup of tea and maybe some biscuits. What do you think?

x

J lo

Dear Mr Comedian,

Please accept my heartfelt apologies for the late reply!… Alas, I cannot access Facebook from work and as tonight was yoga night, I have only just returned to my humble abode…

Even though it makes me feel truly special to be yet just another one of those “sexy birds” you enjoy chatting up/proposing to on the tube, the prospect of tea and cakes (yes, there is no maybe on the cake front, if there’s tea, there shall be cakes! Or at very least some form of biscuit!..) really does sound nice and so I feel I should accept your kind offer of You-Me-Cuppatea.

Do you have anywhere in mind? I know a nice café in Covent Garden, Patisserie Valerie.

Speak soon,

J lo

…..

So we met up. I was pretty forward on the first date, escalating lots.  This was unnecessary as she liked me and it was all fairly inevitable anyways.  We just talked and talked…… I told her my Polyamorous philosophy and she was cool with it. yay!  I tried to kiss her but she wasn’t having any of it – though cuddling and kissing her neck etc was ok. I thought “what a square” …. She told me she’s fucked on first dates before, but she’s done with those days. She said she wanted more time to figure out if she liked me. Fair enough. She wore sneaky clothes to cover up her chest but it’s apparent she has some lovely breasts under there. I decide 1 more shot and see how it goes…….

So, I’ve go her slotted in to do lunch on Sunday 1pm.  I wake up at like 12.40 and go to meet her (she’s meeting me at the tube by my house)

We trudge around in the rain for like 20 minutes and it’s pourin! She gets a bit grumpy and keeps accusing me of being lots. Which I wasn’t. not really :p

We have our food and talk. We get back to my place, and my flatmate is there with one of her boy toy’s.  We all chill for around 45 mins and just chat shit. Her boytoy is this 26 year old Aussie. Good lucking fellah. I payed close attention to how he was chatting with J-lo and … it was the normal chit chat ACE was telling me I have to start doing and get good at. He was just getting to know her – lame stuff – where she’s from, how long she’s been around – what she does… then the topics went to like, travel and how shitty the tube is. nothing fancy – but he was just so relaxed about it and I realized- that’s all I need to add to my game. Totally relaxed chatting, while taking an interest. That’s it! so simple…..

Anywho – after around 45 mins (maybe an hour) of having tea in the group, I whisper to her (shall we escape to my room?) and she agrees.

Shit – my typing is keeping her awake!! Will finish tomorrow.

Hey!! Ok… let’ s continue….. so we get in there. I start massaging her shoulders. She says “I love it when someone knows that they’re doing with their hands” …. I make a couple of jokes like “Don’t worry,  I’m not going to try and sleep with you… you didn’t kiss me last time, so there’s no way we’re goin to have sex this time” … and one other joke like “don’t panic. Just cuz you’re on my bed doesn’t mean we’re going to get funky” …… I said these before I started escalating….

So – first shirt comes off – no resistance. Undershirt comes off, no resistance.  I’m kissing her body all over – she just turns onto her back and smiles. She’s giving me the green light. … it’s around 6.15 and my roommate has a client coming over to worship her feet. I tell J-lo “we have to split at 7… I’m meeting another friend at 8.30 … but if you want we can just hit a bar for an hour and then come back here and I’ll cancel on my friend….?” and she says “yea let’s do that” …. After I said “let’s not do the big nasty, we only have 45 mins” and she’s like “we can still do some stuff” … so I went down on her for a good while. She was liking it but was pretty quiet. I really like girls who are louder – but she certainly wasn’t she like the half Japanese brazilian. But nowhere near as vocal as the dancer. That’s ok tough.

Ok, here’s where it gets fucking weird.

She goes to give me a blowjob but her teeth and hitting my cock consistently on the way up and town. I say to her “uhh that’s all good but can we do less teeth?” and she says (no, I’m not making this up….)

“Oh, some guys like teeth.”

I expressed my shock and assured her, most guys in fact didn’t’ like teeth. She says one of her ex’s liked it. apparently it’s like biting. I’m like “uuuuh no baby…. It’s not. Most guys, believe me, don’t’ like teeth. We actually make jokes about getting toothed during a blowjob as being the WORST thing that could have happened. Honest.”

She’s like “really?” … and I’m like “really!!”

After that and a couple of other corrections, she was giving me head just like I like it! good girl. I have a couple of internal orgasms and it’s time to get the fuck out of dodge. We dress up and head to the bar.

Strange tho – I guess it she really believed that guys like tooth on their cock- fucking amazing!

It just goes to show you the wide breadth and variety of sexual experiences you can have, and how they shape you. Just like I guess, if you’re beat up by your dad while growing up, you may think it quite acceptable to be hit by your boyfriend. I’ve run into girls that put up with that, too. (not for me!) :P

Then, we actually had a really awesome time talking! We got into some great conversations. I told her about PU and about how I help guys etc… she told me about her friends.. how one of them’s cute but just goes out with ugly guys who are totally cocky douchebags. Apparently there’s ugly dudes out there that think they’re the shit? maybe they’re pua’s! lol…. It’s interesting – I’ve seen her FB pics, and ALL her friends are hot. All of them. She’s cute, but her friends are mainly hotter than her. I was actually considering friend zoning her and trying to go for her friends but I don’t think it would have worked. And she was just so up for it.  We talked about how we both hate condoms. She reveals she had a lover (last time she saw him was oct) and the sex was great – but he was an asshole and she told him to fuck off.

Anywho – I had a date setup with this hot 18 year old for 8.30 which I had to flake on. Again, she just added me on FAcebook.  Here’s how that went, after she added me.

Sasha:

have we met? do i owe you money or something? or we had sex and now you’re gonna tell me you’re having the baby?? Noooooooooooooooo

18 year old:

well unless I have added the wrong person then yes to all three.
Im the girl you meet near liverpool station last thursday – had a fluffy hat on and you asked me for a drink. I now seem to appear tragically keen.

Couple more messages, I get her # and we text and make plans. No resistance at all for the meetup. After we make plans to meet at 830 she sends me a text that ends with “p.s I hope you remember that I told you that I have a boyfriend”

Wahahahah. So, I could have laid 2 new girls today. Ah well. I feel guilty flaking on her. I don’t usually do it – it will be interesting to see if she meets up with me after this. But, I’m not turning down pussy right here for maybe more pussy. Amateur mistake.

She takes it well, I’ll see about meetin up with her again……. (just texted her now ending message with p.s I hope you realize you’re way too young for me anyways :P )

Anyways after chillin we head back. We go in the room and proceed to have some very good condom sex. I actually though “I can’t believe it’s this good with a condom!” …… I atually lasted a while, had multiple orgasms… and gave her a round 2 after a while. Unfortunately I blew a load on round 2. GAY. GAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Basically I’d gotten so close I knew I had to take a break, so I amped it up and came – when I should have just stopped! Sigh.

Anywho: I’ll see her again. She’s hot enough where I could make her my primary fb- but I’ll hang out with her a bit more and see how well we really get along. She’s pretty feisty! I’ll either find it attractive or annoying…. Hehe….

Note:

Oi oiiiiiiiii

So, Sat night the half jap was supposed to come over for her second chance. She texts and says she didn’t realize but she has to work the next day. I call her, and she’s on the bus on the way home (but is still near my house) … she says she has to go home to get another outfit or she’d be wearing the same thing to work. After 3 mins of chat she’s like “ok I’ll just go home, grab fresh clothes and come back because I feel guilty!” … but I said to her “nah don’t do it cuz you feel guilty, only if you want to” … so then she says “can we hang out Tuesday?” I say maybe and end the conversation with her going “I’m sorrryyy don’t be maaaaad” … within 3 min she texts apologizing saying she wants to see me tues. I text back saying I’d be busy the next week but maybe I’d see her another time. At this point, it’s very unlikely as I’ve got other girls lines up! Her loss… she hasn’t had an orgasm in so long…. Poor girl. She dosen’t seem that interested in sex.. maybe she’ never had any quality stuff before? Poor girl. now, she’s never going to get any from me, either.

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 12th, 2009 at 5:40 am and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.